Wednesday, February 15, 2006
so its been abt half a month now...coming along well.Studies still bordering failure but overall,i'm quite happy with my studies.Think I'm gonna fail Comb. Sci though.Not fully grasping Chem and Physics.Well,what can i say?Life's been good.Peaceful.Picking up my life from where I last left it.Moving on slowly....painfully at times.
Sometimes I watch shows,videos(music videos ar) and reading stories.I see how the pple seem to just leave their lifes behind so easily.And honestly,part of me wishes I could do that....leave everything here.Move off to England,US or Australia.Maybe even France.Just leave everything here and get on with living how I wanted to live my life.Alone.Make new friends,make new enemies etc etc.But I realise...I'm afraid of living my life alone.I hate the idea of being alone in the future.It just bugs me at times that that could very easily be the future for me.And I wish that doesnt happen..
Wo yao de zhi shi ni zai wo sheng bian....
I have no idea how many times this line keeps popping into my head all these days.It was a sentence...that held so much for me.The care,the concern,the knowledge of your existence.It's a reminder of what was brought into my life.It was an experience of some sort I guess.But I never wanted that experience to be over.Never once.But you felt it was the greater good.That this is the path that our lives will take.In hindsight,I agree.Maybe this is the best for us.For you.For me.For you to be free of someone caring for you from afar.No worries about outside your studies.
And for me,it aws an oppurtunity to go back to the life I've become so accustomed to.Not having to rush off after school to get ready to go and meet,no worries about what's going on in someone else's life.But then again,I miss it.I miss finding out how you broke down that day.And of why you did so.I still remember you holding it back from me.How did you think I felt when I realised I wasn't there?That instead,someone else was comforting you?You said the next day that you weren't sure you should have called.You were afraid that you would rant at me.But I wish you could see....that I wanted for you to rant at me.So at least I would know what's going on.And that you would trust me enough to let me into your life.
But you thought otherwise.And so now,we're both living seperate lives.Songs....shan hu hai,come what may,feng....thanks to you I have so many great memories from that 1 month plus.They are great memories to have with me.The times.I wish you could know...just what effects a simple e-mail can achieve.
Honestly?I'm afraid.Of losing someone close.Of failing to live up to my parent's expectations in my studies.Of losing my friends.Of losing everything.And to a certain extent,I have lost everything already...but I have to pick up and continue right?That's what you want from me...Not to waste my time,trying and waiting.
3 words: It's no waste.
I hope....somehow...that perhaps you might read this.But a part of me also wishes you didn't.I'm confused.Lost and messed up.Not for the first time I've felt this way.You pointed the direction for me once....I really wish when all is over,you'll be there once again pointing it out once more.
ahjuN
an aN
rewind-`
|9:20 PM|
LOVE;
WISHLIST;